Tag Archives: relationships

Believe The Love

There is nothing more sobering than being corrected, when you come face to face with the failure of not doing right it can be a hard pill to swallow. Recently being corrected myself, I know the feeling, however I also now know the freedom. The bible says * “whom the Lord loves He corrects” I didn’t believe that before, I didn’t believe that correction or discipline came out of love, I believed that it came out of the disapproval of me. The “love” I experienced growing up was conditional, based on how “good” I was, and so I concluded that I was unacceptable and I was being disciplined because I was bad. I hated being in trouble, but I couldn’t escape the bad behavior, the more I didn’t want to do it the more I did it. As I grew older, I accumulated more disapproving people in my life, people who didn’t know true love themselves and discipline was harsh. I went to a church who preached Christ from the pulpit but truly didn’t understand the love of God. I was part of the youth group there and there came an opportunity for all the youth to go to Acquire the Fire in Oklahoma. Our youth group planned fund raisers to help pay for the trip and  I was a part of it, I had a hand in raising those funds. My parents were going to send me and pay what I needed to go, this was a big deal because I had strict parents and this would have been the first time they ever let me go anywhere without being under their watchful eye. Sadly the Pastors and youth pastors of the church called my parents in to meet with them and that’s when they told them, I wasn’t good enough to go, they didn’t want me to come because they “thought” I was a bad kid. Knowing what I know now I was their best candidate to go, if anyone needed it most it would have been me, but I was denied. That hurt me so badly, it only served to  reinforce that I was unacceptable, I mean these were the pastors of the church certainly they knew their stuff right!? This was punishment because I guessed they were right, I was a bad kid. These things set me up to look at God wrong and take discipline the wrong way. I avoided God and stayed distant from him, I felt like he was always mad at me. Maybe you can relate to me, to my story. Perhaps the people who should have known better just didn’t and they treated the precious and beautiful to God as worthless and ugly and tried to imply that’s how God sees you. Now I know the truth, I know that* Jesus came for the broken hearted, he came for the ones in prison, he came for the one who didn’t know any better, he came for me, he came for us all. *For God so loved THE WORLD He gave His one and only son. We are priceless to God, He paid so much for us. If we wouldn’t waste our resources on junk then why would we think God would!? If you will bare with me for a minute, let me give you an analogy. If you bought something of high value, a prized possession you would put it on display. Now lets say that that possession is breakable, so you of course would go to great lengths to protect it, you want it on display but you want it safe. What if one day your prized possession was sitting in a precarious position, its sitting right on the edge of a ledge and any big movement could knock it off. What would you do? You would walk over to that prized possession and move it to a safe place, you would “correct” if you will its position. That’s what God does with us. His correction is never to hurt us but to protect us, it helps us. Sometimes we are careless with ourselves and we forget our inherent value and we hurt ourselves through disobedience and a lack of understanding. However, we are never beyond repair. *God is good, His word says that *its His kindness that leads us to repentance, He came to save, rescue and repair, *His love is so great that we will never get to the bottom of it. What I want for you to take a way from this is that Gods correction is your protection and its because he loves you and values you so much that he is not willing to lose you. We cant look at/to people to lead us we must look to God and by *His spirit He will lead us and guide us into all truth. So instead of feeling bad about being corrected, remember this God loves you and you are valuable to him and he wants to keep you safe. *Believe in the love God has for you, its freedom.

(* all scriptures used , Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 12:6,Luke 4:16, John 3:16, Psalm 34:8, Romans 2:4, Ephesians 3:19, John 16:13, 1 John 4:16)

Broken, My Testimony cont’d

This is a continuation of a previous blog called Broken, My testimony if you haven’t read it click the link, I reccomend you read that post first so that this one will make sense. I’m writing it in pieces because it is quite lengthy, There will be another post in continuation to this one so stay tuned.
Continued
…After that night in my parents bedroom I wasn’t the same. When everyone else didn’t fight for me, I stopped fighting for me. The negative feelings I had about myself interfered with my ability to make good choices. I turned to food, mainly sugar for comfort and by the time I started high school I weighed just over 200 pounds. Weight was a problem for me because food was my addiction, it is a vicious cycle that keeps you in a perpetual down ward spiral. I could share a whole blog post on my struggle with weight, However this post isn’t about my weight although it plays a roll, so I will save it for another day. The summer before grade 10 I lost 30 pounds and I maintained that weight loss give or take a few pounds until I got married. I was never at a comfortable weight and was self conscious all time about it. As I’ve said in a previous blog I was in one bad relationship after another. Sex was completely off the table for me and in high school that’s what all the boys wanted it seemed. I got rejected for that reason more times than I can remember. When I was 15 I met a guy and thought He was the one for me. He was two years older than me finishing grade 12 and he was already enrolled in a nearby college for the next year. He had his life figured out and that was a big plus. He was also of the same mind set that we would  not have sex before marriage and that was mind easing for me . Six months after we started dating he began to hit me, it started off slowly but gained momentum as time went on. The mind games and mental abuse were awful.  I wasn’t allowed to meet his friends, he said I was too fat and I had to lose some weight first. I didn’t lose any weight, but eventually almost 2 years after we started dating I met his family and a couple friends. He had managed to convince me that everything was my fault and I deserved what was happening to me. I think about it now and I don’t know how I managed to survive mentally through this time, it was truly only by Gods grace. Another blow to my self worth came one day when I was fed up with him hitting me. A lot of the time if he didn’t like what I said he would slap me across the face. This particular day we had ordered pizza with another couple at my house, my parents were not home. I asked about the price of the pizza because I could tell that he was upset about it, he told me it was none of my busines and not to ask him again. When the pizza came I answered the door he was standing beside me ready to pay, when I asked the pizza guy how much it was, my boyfriend didn’t like that at all, he paid the pizza guy quickly and right in front of the other couple he slapped me across the face. Feeling brave and knowing I wasn’t alone, I hit him back, he threw the pizza across the floor and proceeded to beat me up, the other couple that was with us turned their back on me and went into the other room until it was over. Again I got the message that I wasn’t worth fighting for. What is even more terrible is that we ate the pizza together as if nothing ever happened. I didn’t have the courage to leave him, but I knew I couldn’t stay. One night he dropped a bomb on me, something he knew could cause us to break up,but he was optimistic that we could work through it and stay together. After that confession I was able to muster up the courage to tell him we needed to take a break and he agreed. For the next four months I didn’t hear from or see him. I didn’t realize it then, that even though I felt alone I wasn’t alone and even though I felt hurt and abandoned, God hadn’t abandoned me. God saw me in my pain and sent me a rescuer, someone who would stand by me, someone who would eventually help me walk away from that toxic relationship for good. He was truly a God send, because I did contemplate going back to my abuser to spite everything he had done to me. Once out of that relationship I began to seriously date the man God sent me the one who “rescued” me. He was a complete gentleman, nothing like I had ever encountered before, he was so different from the rest of the guys I ever dated that I didn’t want to let him go. He was almost 6 years older than me and had a lot more life experience. I soon began to worry that he would he would leave me. I told him in the beginning that sex was off the table and he completely respected that, he said he would never make me do anything I didn’t want to do. This however did not bring relief to me, in fact it pushed me toward securing him by using sex.  One day I flat out asked him to sleep with me, he was a gentleman and he tried talking me out of it,  because he knew what had happened to me and what I had told him from the start. I convinced him that I was ok with it all. It took a while but eventually we did sleep together. After our first time I was instantly freaked out, I told him I changed my mind that I didn’t want to do that again, I was sorry and he too was sorry and we agreed to not make that part of our relationship. Sadly once we opened that door, it was quite difficult not to sleep with each other, with every time we did it, it got easier and easier to do. Eventually we got engaged and 2 years later we were married. I finally felt that my life was on the upswing and my past was completely behind me, but I was wrong. I struggled in my marriage, I struggled at work and I struggled to be the person I wanted to be. I tried to be perfect, I thought that if I did everything perfectly I would have no problems, and everyone would like me, but trying to be perfect just put me face to face continually with my failures. I had a constant underlying forboading feeling. I Attributed that feeling to the mess that my marriage was in and the negative circumstances happening in my life. I tried repeatedly to “fix” the problems, but to no avail. At the age of 25 after having my second child I became restless. We had just moved away from everything we had known for the last several years, to a new town where we knew no one. We found a church to go to shortly after we moved here, but we didn’t end up attending it.  One day it all just got to me and while the kids were napping I went to my room to pray. I sat on the edge of the bed and I remember thinking that I couldn’t ride any longer on my parents coat tails and I couldn’t run to mommy and daddy every time I had a challenge. I was now a mommy and I was responsible for them. I was thinking quietly to myself when I asked myself this question,  “do I believe in God because my parents do and because that’s the way I was raised or do I believe in God for myself”? As I sat there and pondered it over there was no denying that God was real, He was real to me and I believed in Him because I believed in Him. In that moment I rededicated my life to Christ and  I made the decision that I was going back to church and bringing my kids with me even if my husband wasnt going to come. It might seem cliche but the truth is that day my life began to change. To be continued.

Broken, My testimony

This isn’t an ordinary run of the mill blog, this one is special. For weeks now, I might even be able to say months now, God has been putting it on my heart to share my testimony. At first I had some reservations about it, to start this is not an easy thing for me to talk about, it doesn’t just come up in casual conversation, it’s one of those things that I like to keep hidden away and pull it out only when it is needed, I will warn you now(*warning: the contents of this blog are of a sensitive nature and could trigger negative emotions and feelings, so readers discretion is advised). The other reasons I stalled on writing this was because I wasn’t sure how I was going to write this and not make my parents look like bad people, because they are not. I love my parents very much, as with every parent we all make mistakes, we can only parent with the knowledge and the skill or lack there of that we have at the time. I am convinced that my mom and dad raised me the best that they knew how at the time. Over the years I have watched my parents allow God to change them in the light of His word and I have so much respect and admiration for them today. I shared with them that I was going to write this blog and they gave me their trust and blessing to do it. Also in my concern came a part that I felt the church played in causing me much pain, however God showed me that it was only a couple prominent people in the church that hurt me, it wasn’t the whole church. I want everyone to know that, I value the church. Especially the one I am attending now it has been instrumental in my growth as a believer. I pray now that the words you read would bring glory and honour to God because without Him I wouldn’t be the person I am today. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing through the experience of your faith that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises.
Amen
God knew me before the foundation of the world, His word says that my story was already written down before I even lived one day of it and just as God had a plan to redeem man kind when Adam sinned He had a plan for me. He knew what life would bring my way, what I would go through and endure and in His great love for me He prepared ahead of time a remedy for my wounds. This testimony is about Gods saving and redeeming grace, it’s about His love and about the reason He came for me. He came to heal my broken heart, He came to give sight to my blindness and to set this prisoner free! For that I am ever grateful.

I was born to parents who were young and overwhelmed with life, the hand that life had dealt them before my arrival was a bitter pill indeed. My parents met young and got pregnant young, in a whirlwind of events they found themselves set to be married before their first child was to be born. My mom was a run away, she grew up in the country and she ran away to the city. My dad was an immigrant to this country, he arrived here at the age of 12 and he and his family made their home in the city. When my dad brought my mom home his parents rejected her, she wasn’t what they wanted for their only son, but alas there was now a baby involved and much to their dismay they set in motion a wedding. My older sister was born 4 months after they got married and 9 months after that they found out they were pregnant with me. The story I heard growing up was how my mom cried when she found out she was pregnant with me, she didn’t want to have another baby, she would joke and say that she thought I would be born with ” the pill” in my hand to rub it in that their efforts to prevent me from coming had failed. We lived with my dads parents and my mom and them did NOT get along, there was a lot of fighting amongst them, I was too young to have any recollection of this, but this is what I have been told. My mom left my dad a few times, the last time she left him was on my 3rd birthday and we were gone for a while. My dad loved my mom he searched for her until he found her and begged her to come home. From there my parents got their own apartment , eventually moved out of the city and bought a small house in a small town. We didn’t stay there long just less than 2 years. We moved to an even smaller town and for the 6 years we lived there, my parents made it work. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad worked in the city, so he would stay the week in the city with his parents and come home on weekends. From the moment I was born insecurity began to work its way into me. By the time I started school, I made “friends” easily however they were always fair weather friends, friends today and not tomorrow. I was a feisty kid, a fighter if you will, I didn’t solve my problems with words I solved them with fists, my older sister knows that all too well as we fought quite a bit and my parents were constantly pulling me off of her. It did work to my sisters advantage though, I was her ” body guard” so to speak and I would threaten to beat up anyone who was mean to her. I learned early in life that any problems I had I would just have to suck it up and deal it myself. My mom at this stage was fragile and even as young as I was I knew it. So I learned to bury  my emotions, my motto was “never let them see you cry”. When my parents would spank me or discipline me I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. As a result of that when I got spanked it was usually much harder than what my sister got, she would cry before she even got her spank. I kept all my problems and feelings to myself and it was convienient to bury things away, it felt like the no longer exsisted. The turning point in my family came when we got born again, although things weren’t magically changed I just knew there was something good about it. At the age of seven a family friends teenage daughter began to sexually abuse me, having me perform sexual acts on her. I knew there was something wrong with it because it was so secretive and it didn’t feel right, but I dared not say anything to my parents lest I got In trouble for it. It wasn’t too long after this started that her family ended up moving away and the abuse stopped. Unfortunately it wouldn’t be the last time I was sexually abused. The abusers turned from female to male and it was sporadic and usually someone my family knew. I developed early, my mom bought me my first bra at the age of 9, by the time I was in grade 6 I was a small C cup and that didn’t go unnoticed. At school the boys were always trying to see if they could get a handful, they didn’t leave me alone until one day at recess they got a lot more than what they bargained for. For whatever reason that day I chose not to wear a bra, at recess they chased me around the play ground until the took me down and one of the boys put his hand up my shirt, I will never forget the look of shock that came on his face as he realized he was touching my bare skin, he quickly got off me and walked away, the others boys followed suit. For the rest of that year and for the next they didn’t touch me again. I failed my grade 7 year and had to repeat the grade, I was so embarrassed. With a new year came new classmates and new boys who once again saw me as their “play toy”. I am sad to say this kind o thing followed me to just about the end of high school. When I was 13 I was raped, he was a 21 year old chaperoning our youth group for Canada day. He took a liking to my friend and I and chatted with us the whole night. This lead him to offer my friend and I a ride back to the church once the fireworks were over. We being 13 and very flattered we were noticed by him were happy to consent to his offer, it made us feel special. As we headed to his truck I suddenly found myself to be the only one going with him, my friends cousin found us in the parking lot and took her with them. At that my heart pounded and my mind raced I didn’t want to be alone with him, I really didn’t know why, he seemed like a nice guy. I quickly assured myself all was well and got into his truck with him. After a while as we drove I began to realize he wasn’t taking me back to the church, I didn’t recognize my surrounding at all, then he pulled in to a darkened parking lot of a school, drove around back parked his truck and turned off his lights. I was in trouble, he asked me for sex to which I said no, he tried different ways of getting me to give in, all those efforts were in vain, I wasn’t interested in having sex, I just wanted to go home. He used my age and naivety against me as time past he pressured me more. Thoughts swirled in my head, time was going by and my parents would be worried about me. Finally the moment came when I realized we weren’t leaving there until he got what he came for, I couldn’t consent verbally all I could do was nod my head. He wasted no time stripping me and having his way, I lay there completely still until he was done, it only lasted minutes. Neither one of us said a word as we got ourselves pulled together and left the parking lot. Finally he asked me if I wanted a drink and stopped at McDonald’s, that’s where he swore me to secrecy. My thoughts were that I never planned to tell anyone! I was so ashamed. I got home an hour past my curfew to parents who were completely losing their mind. I was bombarded by questions of where have you been, what were you thinking, it’s an hour past your curfew. I gave them a story they believed I encouraged them to punish me with whatever punishment they saw fit, I broke the rules so give me the consequences, I just wanted to be left alone I just wanted to go to bed. I tried so hard to bury this, but this was bigger than anything that had ever been before. Every night I cried myself to sleep, I would pray and beg Gods forgiveness, I felt so dirty, I just wanted to be clean, but nothing helped. About a week later the youth pastor from our church paid me a visit, I wasn’t hard to find I was in my front yard playing with my friends like kids do. He got out of the car and called me over. He confronted me right there on the spot about what happened after the fireworks that night, he asked me flat out if I had had sex with the chaperone. I was so embarrassed that my initial response was no, but he pressed and he was not nice to me, he told me to give it up, my chaperone had already told him and there was no lying about it, of course after that I admitted to it. He told me that he would tell my dad and that I was to tell my mom and that’s what happened. While I was up in my parents room telling my mother, my dad came flying in and slapped me so hard across my face that it left welts and to add insult to injury he swore at me, I had never heard my dad ever use that word ever and he was using it on me. In that moment I was broken, reduced to a million little pieces and I accepted the blame for it all along with the weight of the guilt and shame, it crushed me. I realize now that I became my chaperones scape goat. I was no longer allowed to attend the youth group, that was the punishment that was handed down by the youth pastor, but what was shocking to me was that they allowed the chaperone to chaperone again. I don’t know what he told them and I don’t know why EVERY adult never considered the big age difference between us and how they came to the conclusion to only blame me. No ever did asked me about what happened that night, they were all in a big hurry to get it swept under the rug, they just wanted it to go away, but what about me!? What happened on the outside to me was obvious, but what took place inside was hidden, even from me, I was eventually able to bury this away, but little did I know the lasting effects that night would have on me and my future. To be continued…

When God messes with your comfort zone, day 10

This is day 10, I made it all the way through to spite a rocky start. I am so much better today for having done the challenge than I would have been. Funny enough, this morning as I was getting ready for the day I fully intended to wear make up, but one of my eyes just wouldn’t stop tearing, it was tearing so bad that I was unable to put on my eye make up. I waited for about a half hour to see if it would stop tearing, but that was as long as I could wait because I was meeting a friend at a specific time. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to put on make up today, and I smiled because it didn’t bother me in the least, as the saying goes “I’ve come along way baby”! I also wanted to mention to those of you who may have just stumble across this post and to those of you who do not know, I am giving away the book Captivating by John and Stasi Elderedge, I mention this book in my journal entry for day 10. I’m not sure how to do a direct link or any link for that matter, but if you visit my site its on there the title is ” book give away” please check it out if you are interested. So now without further ado, here’s day 10!

March 6, 2014

Day 10 of the “no make up challenge” the final day of this challenge. I approach it with a new perspective, a good experience and a challenging one. I feel far different form what I felt in the very beginning. In the beginning of this process when The Lord was putting it on my heart to go without make up, I was taken a back and had a hard time seeing myself doing do it, especially going to church or to any family function.The thought of doing the challenge over whelmed me so I just stopped thinking about it and for the next couple of weeks it didn’t come up again, until I read chapter 8 of the book called “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldridge. The chapters title was called “Beauty to unveil.” I read, that the essence of a woman is beauty. When I was a little girl I learned to not wear my heart on my sleeve, through different things that happened to me and circumstances I did not want to let people see me as vulnerable in any way.I was a tough cookie and I would even fight if I had to, but no one was going to see me cry. I was determined to maintain an outward image that I was in control of. It was my defence mechanism to keep people out. As I read further in to the chapter it begins to talk about letting your defences down, that behind the exterior of nice clothes , beautiful hair and a face adorned with make up is where true beauty is found. A woman who gives her heart rather than retreat in survival mode. Peter writes in 1 Peter 3:3-4 your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewlery and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. As John and Stasi say in the book, ” Peter is not saying we shouldn’t enjoy wearing pretty things. What he is trying to say is that true beauty comes from the inner part of us. Our hearts.” This is what struck me, I knew at that moment that I had a choice, I could choose to believe that I don’t hide myself behind make up so why should I go without wearing it, this isn’t God speaking to me. Or I could acknowledge the truth and be obedient to what I believed God was putting on my heart. The rest is history. Through it all, ever moment that I felt ugly, uncomfortable, or even inferior was worth it. It showed me my heart, it made me put down my defences, it made me face the truth in John 8:38 it says and you will know the truth and the truth shall make you free. My goal is to be free and it is to be beautiful not from the outside in but from the inside out. So am I cured!? Yes I have completed the most important task of this challenge, facing the truth, the process however is still ongoing, there is more for me to learn, more that I want to know and I am very thankful for the work that God is doing in my life. We are all a work in progress, thank God according to Philippians 1:6 that “He who began a good work in you, is FAITHFUL to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

When God messes with your comfort zone, day 8&9

Well here we are, we’re getting close to the end of this series. This post is for days 8&9. I have enjoyed reading through every journal entry before I post it, it helps me to see how far I have come as well as shows me what work still needs to be done. I have enjoyed sharing this with you and I pray that you were able to get something out of my beautiful mess. Stay tuned for day 10, plus there is some bonus journal entries. See in the next blog

Day 8 and 9 of the no make up challenge, just one more day left! Day 8 was a day spent mostly at home, I dropped off and picked Tyler up from school and drove Nathaniel to work. I am more used to seeing myself without make up, it doesn’t bother me like it did. It’s faster getting ready and out the door in the mornings, that’s a plus about not wearing make up. Day 9 which was today, I was all over the place, our women’s prayer group this morning, the hospital this afternoon with Christian, he got his cast changed today, then I went to visit my little sister and after that we went to the mall, it did cross my mind that I could run into someone that I know/knew from my past and the funny thing is that thought lasted for a moment and I just had to say, I don’t care, if I run into someone I run into them, I can’t fuss about that. The one thing that plays over in my mind is this, there is nothing about me that stands out or that is different, nothing that would draw people to me and that is something I am going to pray about, because whether I wear make up or not I’m still Lisa, I’m still a wife, a mom,a sister, a daughter, a friend, a cousin… It doesn’t change who I am, so cliche but it’s true, it may affect how out going I am but everything I am, I am with or without make up! What’s in my heart is in my heart and my outside appearance doesn’t affect that. Discovering that beauty comes from the inside out is an interesting one, because if you asked me where beauty comes form, I would have said from the inside out, but I didn’t believe that at all, it’s clear to me now that I have gone through this challenge. I have put a lot of time and effort into my outside appearance, don’t get me started on the weight and body image thing!!! Ugh too much time and lots of heart ache! If I believed that beauty comes from with in I would spend more time developing my inside and a lot less time on my outside and trying to make it perfect. Do I get it now!? No not by a mile, but you know I see it now and that makes a big difference. I want to do what will benefit me and others the most. I want a beautiful inside and I also want a beautiful outside. My question to myself, am I beautiful?

I am loved and so are you!

He is everything to me, He is all that I need and all that I want, there is nothing in this life that can compare to the great love and goodness of my Father God! He saved me, He rescued me and He redeemed my life from destruction. His praise will continually be in my mouth! This poor man (woman) cried and the Lord heard him (her) and saved him (her) out of all his (her) troubles! Psalm 34:6 (KJV)

Here is a poem God put on my heart to write. It is called “Insecurity’s fight”

The battles that I face are nothing new under the sun, they are not unique but are common to everyone. When I was young insecurity knocked on my door and before I knew it, it had me on the floor. Wrapping its life sucking tentacles around me, it held me down so I could not flee. Insecurity would speak to me day in and day out, bombarding my mind with thoughts of self doubt. So convincing it was I didn’t see its deceit when it continually spoke to me of rejection and defeat. It said to me, “No matter the cost or what may come, in order to have friends under them you must succumb”. It shouted at me when I wanted to cry “suck it up” it would say and “don’t ever let them see you cry”! It advised me to bury my emotions and become numb to the ever growing loneliness that in time to me had come. It raged against me like a mighty storm, so battered and bruised I didn’t recognize my own form. Tormenting me with the day ahead, what would it bring and what would be said. “Avoid”, “avoid”, it would say “don’t argue comply, that’s the only way”! “Let them say what they want, and do what they desire, after all, why would you want to start that kind of fire”. It came to taunt me when I looked in the mirror, “what do you see”? “I see no beauty here”. “If beauty eludes, then why do you eat, those extra pounds just bring on your defeat”! “Maybe if you were skinny there might be some hope, but chances are high that you’ll try to lose but we both know you won’t”. With a good dose of guilt and a heaping portion of pain, it had reduced me to nothing and brought about a lot of my shame. So confident it was that its grip on me was tight, it jeered, it dared and it challenged me to fight! ” You are stupid and worthless, there’s nothing special about you, you are weak and you know it, that much is true. How can you win when you’re not strong enough to fight, I dare you, I challenge you to try with all your might”! It may have been right, but I will tell you where it was wrong, it did not factor in, that I didn’t have to be strong! In one moment of time, that’s all it took, for God stepped in and everything shook! I reached out for God and He reached out for me, my daughter He said you are now free! And although it is over there is still work to be done, each and every tentacle must be removed until there are none. In doing this I will not be alone, For my God is ever with me and He calls me His own.

When God messes with your comfort zone, day 6&7

Today’s post is for days 6 & 7 of the no makeup challenge, this is what happens when God messes with your comfort zone…

March 2, 2014
Day 6 and 7 of the “no make up” challenge. 2 significant things going on both days. Yesterday (day 6) we had my family here for my nieces 3rd birthday party, I will tell you for a moment I was mildly mad that i couldn’t wear make up, I do realize I have a choice but I also know I will stick by the choice I made and that is not to wear make up for 10 days. I do miss wearing it but, I am happy that I’m doing this even though I confessed to being mildly mad about it yesterday. The good about it completely out weighs the bad and I’ll take the good any day. For the moment I was mad it was simply because I felt the challenge, my family knows me yet I was more disturbed about them seeing me without make up than going out in public without it. I feel like I have a “standard” to up hold, I felt more vulnerable, uncomfortable and self conscious. I have gone years building up this image of myself of the perfectly put together woman! Ugh, there I said it, I want the appearance of perfection so that people accept me and don’t really see who I really am, imperfect, and I don’t want to know, that people think less of me, I don’t want to let anyone down, especially with my life, I don’t want to be a disappointment. I feel like if I don’t keep up this facade then, I’m worthless, and unlikable. I will be lonely. I’m not too sure right now where that comes from. I feel like such a failure, but if I look the part then people won’t notice what I feel I really am. Putting make up on is something I could always control and choosing to do this challenge has left me feeling out of control. I have to admit that I try not to think about the fact that I am make up-less, it hurts less. My little sister commented that I wasn’t wearing make up, not in a bad way, she said she can see that I look like my (our) dad, she also said she didn’t think I looked bad without make up on. My dad said to me on the heels of that , that a lady in their church approached him and told him she thought that I was so beautiful, it made me uncomfortable and it didn’t make me feel good, a red flag is up, I want to know why I felt the way I did!? Today (day 7) was church day, the place I felt I would be the most uncomfortable without make up,but, I was ok today, I wasn’t thrilled, but I also wasn’t freaked out. I took it all in stride. I’m getting used to seeing myself without make up on, it is getting easier. I want to work through my feelings and weigh them out with the light and truth of God’s word, John 8:38 says …and you will know the truth and the truth shall make you free… That’s for me, I am set free!

Book give away (open)

Hi all, I am giving away one book called Captivating ( unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul) by John and Stasi Eldredge to one winner. I have needed a lot of healing where my soul was concerned.(I’m not ready right now to share my testimony so I won’t be getting in to any details today, but I will say that God has been doing a work in me and it has been wonderful). This book was one of the tools He used to bring healing to my soul, and I want to share this tool with another individual who is in need of healing in their soul. All I want from my readers is this, 1) for you to leave me a comment and 2) share one attribute you like about yourself. So that’s it, I do look forward to hearing from you. DISCLAIMER! I can only send the book to places and countries that will allow me to send it to them. The give away will end on Tuesday, February 9, 2016 I will announce the winner on that day. I’m going to end this blog in the words of the Apostle John who said ” Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers”. 3 John 1:2 (NKJV)

When God messes with your comfort zone, day 5

Reading my journal entry for today, I realized that I was journaling for day 6 and I still called it day 5, which now the rest of the journal entries are one off, but I know that’s ok because the content and the feelings are all there. So here it is with all the wrong dayness with it 🙂

March 1, 2014
Day 5 was yesterday of the no make up challenge, I didn’t journal because I didn’t leave the house yesterday, as you know I am quite comfortable at home being make up-less! Today I went out to a few different places, I haven’t been so focused while I’m out on the fact that I’m not wearing make up, it’s when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or I see a beautiful woman that I am brought back to the reality that I don’t have any make up on. I got a comment today from someone saying ” you look tired today” I took that as not that I looked tired but I looked different because I had no make up on, a lot of people are just not used to seeing me out without make up on. Although I am tired I don’t want to look tired too. I have been thinking a bit about this journey I’m on and God is bringing out motives, motives are important to God and they are important to us. The why behind what we do is very important because it comes from our heart. If the only reason I give a gift to someone is so that I get a gift back, well that is not a good motive for giving a gift, it will just lead to disappointment. I’m looking at why do I wear make up and could I live without wearing make up? 2 reasons why I wear make up #1 is for approval and # 2 is because I like the art of make up. One reason is not a good reason to wear it and one is a good reason to wear it, one will always out weigh the other, which one will it be. By taking off my make up I can get my answer, mostly I wear it for approval, I know that because in the beginning of this challenge I was concerned about what I looked like to other people and was comparing myself to them. In the last couple of days I have realized that I miss putting make up on. For instance when Ive seen a nice make up look I want to do it or I think about eyeliner and I want to try something with it, then I know I genuinely like to do make up for the art of it as well, I like to play around with it. It’s the first reason that I wear make up that has to be adjusted and I’m willing to let God help me with that one. I truly want to be free.

When God messes with your comfort zone, day 4

Today’s journal entry is for day four. I remember day 4 very well because our son Tyler broke his wrist on day 3 of this challenge and the break was so bad that they could not repair it without surgery so they sent us home only to come back to the hospital the next morning for 8:30. We spent 12 hours at the hospital on day four waiting for him to get his surgery, he ended up being the last surgery of the day that was at 6:00 pm, by the time the surgery was over and he had recovered from the anesthetic enough to go home it was well after 8:00 pm. 2014 was an eventful year for my family, Tyler wasn’t the only one to break his wrist, one month prior to Tyler’s break, my middle son Christian broke his wrist in a skateboarding competition, and five months after that he broke it again skateboarding, but the second break was severe as it was a compound fracture with both bones coming through the skin… I’ll take it easy on the queasy stomachs out there and not give you anymore of the gory details. Stress , too much of it is an awful thing, that was my 2014, it challenged me to be a doer of the Word and not just a forgetful hearer. I had to cast my care continually, but I am more the better for it today. So now here is what you have been waiting for journal entry day 4 of the no makeup challenge.

February 28, 2014
Day 4 of what I am going to call the ” no make up challenge” to be honest so far I haven’t been a big fan of going without make up, but I know there is more to this than that. We were at the hospital again today with Tyler, he had to have surgery on his wrist to repair it. When we got to the waiting room area there were 3 other couples there, guess what I did the minute I walked in to that room? Some might not guess correctly others of you may know right off the bat, either way I am going to share it with you. I looked at all three women and began to compare myself with them, I came in assessing my completion so to speak. This was eye opening as I had not really ever noticed myself be so comparative, my thoughts were as follows “well out of all 4 women in this room I am the second smallest weight wise” one woman was petite and dressed stylishly which my attention was drawn to her immediately as what I can only conclude as she was my biggest threat, ridiculous I know, but before this I really had no idea this is what I did. I believe that simply by removing the make up has made me more self conscious and my desire to get everything out of this experience that God wants for me, has heightened awareness of myself and my actions whether openly or privately. This speaks volumes to me, now to unravel it and make sense of it all, not on my own but through prayer and in the light of Gods word and with His wisdom other wise I will gain nothing because apart from God I am nothing and I can do nothing. I wasn’t as uncomfortable without make up today as I was yesterday, but I still was well aware of my naked face especially in certain instances.