Category Archives: Victory

Broken…but not destroyed

This is the third portion of My testimony a long time coming but, here it is. I do recommend that you read the other 2 parts before this one click here Broken, My testimony, and here Broken, My Testimony cont’d.

Sometimes we take a step in the right direction, but in all appearances things still look and feel the same. A lot of the time we want to see immediate results and if we don’t see them, we can get discouraged. I had made a decision that made way for change in my life, I was desperate, but didn’t fully understand my desperation. I wanted what I heard in church to be true and for it to be working in my life, the only problem was I didn’t know how to attain it. I went back to church and got connected with other believers, and although I was now around like-minded people and good teaching and preaching, my life still looked and felt the same. None of my problems just up and disappeared, the only difference was, was that now I was praying about things instead of just trying to take care of them myself. The first thing God did was light a fire under me, he sent an acquaintance of mine across my path and she began to share the good things that God was doing in her and her family’s lives. It was reminiscent of my Pentecostal days when I was young and it sparked in me such a desire to know God the way she did. That day my fire and desire for God was rekindled. I’m laughing right now looking back at all this because back then I had absolutely no idea just how much I didn’t know and still needed to learn. I embarked on a journey that I am still on today, however I’m much farther along the path now. One of my problems was that I way over estimated my faith, just like your mind tells you, you can run 5KM no problem even though you haven’t  run in a year… I can hear you laughing, its good to know I’m not the only one whose mind has over estimated their ability. You can know theory inside and out but that means nothing unless you put it to practice. You can know how to build muscle in theory, but unless you put it to action you will gain nothing. This was me. You have the picture now. Needless to say I expected BIG things to start happening and when it didn’t I started to see the first signs that I was broken. I was 29 before I even considered what happened to me at 13 to be rape. I with everyone else blamed myself. One night at church God spoke the truth to my heart, He wanted me to begin to face the truth and even though I didn’t know why back then I understand now. If we don’t face truth and be honest with ourselves we cannot change, and we cannot be healed. This was a big revelation for me. I was unaware how steeped in shame I was and how guilt ruled my life. I lived in a continual state of unrest, of negativity and I always felt I needed to try harder, I needed to be better, I wanted to be better, but failed miserably. It’s sad that I lived so much of my life this way and it hurts me that right now people are living this way, my heart goes out to them. I had learned love was conditional and even though the church taught Gods love as unconditional, I had never seen or experienced it. I believed Gods Love for me was conditional, that it was based on what I did and how good I was. So I drew the conclusion that I wasn’t good enough for Gods love. Any time I felt I did anything right I searched to feel that love and approval, but it was always over shadowed by my past, by my sin, and by  guilt and shame. I clearly didn’t understand the cross of Christ. I was seriously going out of my mind, my family so unaware. I withdrew from my family, I became very religious, trying to dot every I and cross every T. I lived by rules and more rules and I lost myself in it. I didn’t even attend my friends Jack and Jill party and I was a bridesmaid!!! how sad is that. I got to the point I didn’t even want to leave my house, when I did go out I’d come home and have a melt down. I would just cry. I wouldn’t have admitted it then but I was depressed and suffered from bouts of anxiety. In the midst of all this I was crying out to God asking Him to heal me, to heal my emotions. I began reading my bible, Christian books and listening to Christian teaching material. One day as I was cleaning my house, memories from my past kept coming across my mind. This disturbed me to my core, I had spent all my time burying my past and now it was trying to dig its way out. I naturally thought it was the devil and I kept rebuking him and casting down those thoughts, but they just kept coming. I eventually caught on that it wasn’t the devil, God wanted to do something with this. So I got still and asked God what He was trying to get across to me. He brought back to my remembrance a teaching I’d heard about forgiveness, I by the power of the Holy Spirit understood that God wanted me to forgive all the people who had hurt me from my past. I went through each memory one by one, starting with my earliest memory. Out loud I said “by faith I forgive (name of the person) for (and mentioned the hurt and what they did to me), so for example I would say ” I forgive “Johnny” for calling me names and hurting my feelings causing me to feel bad about myself, I release him and hold nothing against him anymore in Jesus name Amen”. I don’t know how long it took me, all I know is that after I had done that I had a new freedom, and it felt so good that I just wanted to stay there. Although I had moved a step forward there was still more to be done, more things that needed to come up and out for my sanity’s sake. There were  many lies that I believed about myself, things others said I was and things I determined on my own I was. In order to be free, truth and light had to come, but they couldn’t come unless I had invited them. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, actually I had avoided digging up anymore of my past for weeks until finally one day I couldn’t take it anymore. One night when everyone was in bed I got alone with God and I opened myself to Him and His truth. The bible says that the Holy Spirit is our teacher. ( John 14:26  But the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you).The Holy Spirit taught me that night and brought truths to my heart from His word and with each incident that had taken place in my life God was healing and truth was bringing more freedom. In that I began to finally learn why Jesus died for me, my view of God began to change, He was starting to no longer be this harsh, unaccepting God that I had to earn my time with, but to look at Him as Father. That night wasn’t the last of the healing that needed to be done, God knows not to overwhelm us, so He will bring things to us a little at a time. On another occasion not long after I was sent an emotional healing package in the mail  from Joyce Meyer ministries. I opened it up and read the letter and proceeded to open a pamphlet of women’s testimonies about their emotional healing. As I read every testimony I refused to relate to these women. I remember thinking I was fine and that these women clearly had been messed up  by sexual abuse and rape, oh but not me, those things didn’t affect me (can you hear the sarcasm?). I stood there all set to reject this package, thinking I didn’t need it I wasn’t messed up like “those” women. How utterly sad, I was so oblivious to my pain. So God stepped in, I was standing in front of my couch as I went through the pamphlet, I all but wrote it off when I heard my 7-year-old son playing in his bedroom, in that moment inside of me, I didn’t hear an audible voice, but right on the inside of me I heard, “Lisa is it ok for someone to come into your house walk up your stairs and sexually abuse your son”? I got so mad, with clenched teeth I was like “absolutely not, why in the world would you ever say that to me”!? and ever so gently He said “if it’s not ok for someone to do that to your son, then why is it ok that someone did that to you”?  I got it, I fell in to the couch with tears in my eyes and realized I needed more healing emotionally. Needless to say I ordered the package. I was sent cds and a book called “Beauty for Ashes” by Joyce Meyers. When I opened the book to read it, all of my held back emotions came out, I couldn’t see the words through my tears and I hadn’t even read one word. Eventually I read it and Gods word in it brought even more truth and freedom to my life. I began to dare to believe that God loved me and my fears began to dissipate.

At this point I am going to end this blog, there is so much more I could write, however I will leave it until next time. My prayers are for all those who are suffering, that you would find peace and rest in Jesus. That truth and light would be brought into your life so that you experience the freedom in which Christ died for you to have.

Have we forgotten?

Over the past few months I have been pondering some things. I have been wondering how did we get here, to a place of such division, to a place where our opinions matter more than the people around us do? We can blame social media, because that’s the place where our opinions have mattered the most. It is the place where anything can be said “no holds barred” because I am at my house and you are at yours, everyone can remain anonymous. I for one won’t blame social media or any other outside causes. I mean we can have valid arguments for why we believe these things are to blame or at the least partially to blame, but here’s a question, does that take away our individual responsibility? I have a few questions more that run through my mind, like, what am I responsible for and who am I responsible to when it comes to my life? When did “my opinion” become the only right one ? and Whatever happened to “I agree to (respectfully) disagree”?  Opinions are not facts, they are a belief system held by a persons own thoughts toward any given topic. For example, it is my opinion that vanilla is better than chocolate. I’m not saying  that those of you who like chocolate better than vanilla are wrong, I’m simply stating my own preference and belief. It is clear that something is wrong if we get offended by someone else’s opinion, and its not usually their problem we are offended. Are we not free anymore to have a difference of opinion? I am going to touch on a sensitive topic in this post. I am going to touch on the elections and the voting in of now President Donald Trump. I have stayed as far away from the topic as I could get because of such strong, no forceful opinions on the matter. I don’t live in the United States, but I know what its like to have someone I didn’t vote for get elected and  I also know what its like to have someone I did vote for get elected. This particular election shocked me, I have never seen anything like it. I have never seen such biased news reporters, who gave their opinion and made it obvious what “side” they were on. I say this unbiasedly because I’m on the outside looking in, whom ever was voted in would have nothing to do with me. In all honesty, (please don’t let this ruffle your feathers) neither candidate was a good candidate, they both had their issues. I can see and I have also been there that if you like or want something you can turn a blind eye and willfully not see the problems with it, where do you suppose the saying “love is blind” comes from. We choose as individuals what we want to see and how much we see. Right now  I’m still seeing (I do thank God for free speech), the news, articles, blog posts and social media stuck on this topic. This is very sad to me. I’m actually not surprised with the “worlds” behavior, they are doing what they know to do. As for me and I know I’m not alone, I believe in God, and I choose to put my faith and trust in Him and His word. If I claim to be a believer then, *I must be a doer of His word and not just someone who hears it and knows it in my head, but to know it in my heart and do it (James 1:22). For” a moment” I got carried away with this topic, until  I was reminded of (King) David, who frequently in the Psalms  would remind himself of the things God had already done for him, that God had been faithful and that it was God who brought him through all his troubles. I realized that somewhere along the way I had forgotten who God is. I had forgotten how big God is and how powerful God is. I had let  these circumstances, *the cares of this world (Mark 4:19), to dictate my words and my actions. This isn’t right, because  I’m saying to God that these troubles are bigger than what He can handle and that the resurrection of Christ has no  power to save and that is simply not true!   Today I was reading in Daniel chapter 4,  the story  of  King Nebuchadnezzar who dreams of a great prosperous tree that gets cut down to its stump is bound with an iron and bronze band, and a harsh declaration is made over the tree, this becomes very troubling to the King. As the story goes he calls on all of his people for the interpretation of his dream and none of his people can interpret it. Finally Daniel is called and God gives King Nebuchadnezzar the interpretation of his dream through Daniel. The interpretation;  the tree represents King Nebuchadnezzar and the cutting down of and the declaration over the tree means  that the king will soon be cut down. The angel declares that the stump and its roots remain in the ground, that it be bound by an iron and bronze band……. and that the king will be drenched with dew of heaven and for him to live  with the wild animals and that his mind would be changed from that of a human to that of a wild animal and that he would live like that for 7 periods. Daniel urges the king to repent that he might not suffer this plight. Sadly the bible says that 12 months after the dream and interpretation King Nebuchadnezzar declared from his balcony over looking Babylon “Is this not great Babylon, that I have built for a royal dwelling by my mighty power and for the honor of my majesty? “. What I read next struck me, the voice from heaven spoke these words to King Nebuchadnezzar, “O King Nebuchadnezzar, this message is for you! You are no longer ruler of this kingdom. You will be driven  from human society. You will live in the fields with the wild animals, and you will eat grass like a cow. Seven periods of time will pass while you live this way, UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT THE MOST HIGH RULES OVER THE KINGDOMS OF THE WORLD AND GIVES THEM TO ANYONE HE CHOOSES”. It hit me, Daniel chapter 2 says it best…He (God) removes kings, and sets up kings. Have we have forgotten that our *God is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)? If God set up King Nebuchadnezzar and in the kings pride removed him for a time then  that is true of him today. God rules over all, the kings heart is in the hand of the Lord, like the rivers of water,HE turns it wherever HE pleases (Proverbs 21:1). If we have been doing what 1 Timothy 2:1-3 says and we have been praying for our own countries, our government, our judicial systems and for those in authority, then we can expect good things from God. *We should expect God to keep his word (Hebrews 6:18). If the man/women chosen to lead your country/ my country isn’t the person you would have chosen you should NOT panic, you should NOT go with the flow and to let the negative media and the negative people around you  get you to forget YOUR GOD! *The one who gives grace to the humble and resists the proud (James 4:6). If the person running your country now seems the furthest from capable one can get, take your eyes off of them and *put your eyes on God (Hebrews 12:2), put them on His word. Like King David, remind yourself of how big God is and what God can do, because I’m telling you this,  there is strength in unity and *if we are divided against ourselves our nations our kingdoms will fall(Luke 11:17), these are not my words but Gods. He is bigger than all this, *rest in His unfailing love (Hebrews 4:3, Psalm 6:4). He knows what He is doing, *let us not be wise in our own eyes (Proverbs 3:5-6), we don’t know everything! *God on the other hand knows the end of a matter from its beginning (Isaiah 46:9-10). Use the power and the privilege of what God has given you, *PRAY (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and *cast all your care on him for he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7)!

 

Believe The Love

There is nothing more sobering than being corrected, when you come face to face with the failure of not doing right it can be a hard pill to swallow. Recently being corrected myself, I know the feeling, however I also now know the freedom. The bible says * “whom the Lord loves He corrects” I didn’t believe that before, I didn’t believe that correction or discipline came out of love, I believed that it came out of the disapproval of me. The “love” I experienced growing up was conditional, based on how “good” I was, and so I concluded that I was unacceptable and I was being disciplined because I was bad. I hated being in trouble, but I couldn’t escape the bad behavior, the more I didn’t want to do it the more I did it. As I grew older, I accumulated more disapproving people in my life, people who didn’t know true love themselves and discipline was harsh. I went to a church who preached Christ from the pulpit but truly didn’t understand the love of God. I was part of the youth group there and there came an opportunity for all the youth to go to Acquire the Fire in Oklahoma. Our youth group planned fund raisers to help pay for the trip and  I was a part of it, I had a hand in raising those funds. My parents were going to send me and pay what I needed to go, this was a big deal because I had strict parents and this would have been the first time they ever let me go anywhere without being under their watchful eye. Sadly the Pastors and youth pastors of the church called my parents in to meet with them and that’s when they told them, I wasn’t good enough to go, they didn’t want me to come because they “thought” I was a bad kid. Knowing what I know now I was their best candidate to go, if anyone needed it most it would have been me, but I was denied. That hurt me so badly, it only served to  reinforce that I was unacceptable, I mean these were the pastors of the church certainly they knew their stuff right!? This was punishment because I guessed they were right, I was a bad kid. These things set me up to look at God wrong and take discipline the wrong way. I avoided God and stayed distant from him, I felt like he was always mad at me. Maybe you can relate to me, to my story. Perhaps the people who should have known better just didn’t and they treated the precious and beautiful to God as worthless and ugly and tried to imply that’s how God sees you. Now I know the truth, I know that* Jesus came for the broken hearted, he came for the ones in prison, he came for the one who didn’t know any better, he came for me, he came for us all. *For God so loved THE WORLD He gave His one and only son. We are priceless to God, He paid so much for us. If we wouldn’t waste our resources on junk then why would we think God would!? If you will bare with me for a minute, let me give you an analogy. If you bought something of high value, a prized possession you would put it on display. Now lets say that that possession is breakable, so you of course would go to great lengths to protect it, you want it on display but you want it safe. What if one day your prized possession was sitting in a precarious position, its sitting right on the edge of a ledge and any big movement could knock it off. What would you do? You would walk over to that prized possession and move it to a safe place, you would “correct” if you will its position. That’s what God does with us. His correction is never to hurt us but to protect us, it helps us. Sometimes we are careless with ourselves and we forget our inherent value and we hurt ourselves through disobedience and a lack of understanding. However, we are never beyond repair. *God is good, His word says that *its His kindness that leads us to repentance, He came to save, rescue and repair, *His love is so great that we will never get to the bottom of it. What I want for you to take a way from this is that Gods correction is your protection and its because he loves you and values you so much that he is not willing to lose you. We cant look at/to people to lead us we must look to God and by *His spirit He will lead us and guide us into all truth. So instead of feeling bad about being corrected, remember this God loves you and you are valuable to him and he wants to keep you safe. *Believe in the love God has for you, its freedom.

(* all scriptures used , Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 12:6,Luke 4:16, John 3:16, Psalm 34:8, Romans 2:4, Ephesians 3:19, John 16:13, 1 John 4:16)

Broken, My testimony

This isn’t an ordinary run of the mill blog, this one is special. For weeks now, I might even be able to say months now, God has been putting it on my heart to share my testimony. At first I had some reservations about it, to start this is not an easy thing for me to talk about, it doesn’t just come up in casual conversation, it’s one of those things that I like to keep hidden away and pull it out only when it is needed, I will warn you now(*warning: the contents of this blog are of a sensitive nature and could trigger negative emotions and feelings, so readers discretion is advised). The other reasons I stalled on writing this was because I wasn’t sure how I was going to write this and not make my parents look like bad people, because they are not. I love my parents very much, as with every parent we all make mistakes, we can only parent with the knowledge and the skill or lack there of that we have at the time. I am convinced that my mom and dad raised me the best that they knew how at the time. Over the years I have watched my parents allow God to change them in the light of His word and I have so much respect and admiration for them today. I shared with them that I was going to write this blog and they gave me their trust and blessing to do it. Also in my concern came a part that I felt the church played in causing me much pain, however God showed me that it was only a couple prominent people in the church that hurt me, it wasn’t the whole church. I want everyone to know that, I value the church. Especially the one I am attending now it has been instrumental in my growth as a believer. I pray now that the words you read would bring glory and honour to God because without Him I wouldn’t be the person I am today. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing through the experience of your faith that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises.
Amen
God knew me before the foundation of the world, His word says that my story was already written down before I even lived one day of it and just as God had a plan to redeem man kind when Adam sinned He had a plan for me. He knew what life would bring my way, what I would go through and endure and in His great love for me He prepared ahead of time a remedy for my wounds. This testimony is about Gods saving and redeeming grace, it’s about His love and about the reason He came for me. He came to heal my broken heart, He came to give sight to my blindness and to set this prisoner free! For that I am ever grateful.

I was born to parents who were young and overwhelmed with life, the hand that life had dealt them before my arrival was a bitter pill indeed. My parents met young and got pregnant young, in a whirlwind of events they found themselves set to be married before their first child was to be born. My mom was a run away, she grew up in the country and she ran away to the city. My dad was an immigrant to this country, he arrived here at the age of 12 and he and his family made their home in the city. When my dad brought my mom home his parents rejected her, she wasn’t what they wanted for their only son, but alas there was now a baby involved and much to their dismay they set in motion a wedding. My older sister was born 4 months after they got married and 9 months after that they found out they were pregnant with me. The story I heard growing up was how my mom cried when she found out she was pregnant with me, she didn’t want to have another baby, she would joke and say that she thought I would be born with ” the pill” in my hand to rub it in that their efforts to prevent me from coming had failed. We lived with my dads parents and my mom and them did NOT get along, there was a lot of fighting amongst them, I was too young to have any recollection of this, but this is what I have been told. My mom left my dad a few times, the last time she left him was on my 3rd birthday and we were gone for a while. My dad loved my mom he searched for her until he found her and begged her to come home. From there my parents got their own apartment , eventually moved out of the city and bought a small house in a small town. We didn’t stay there long just less than 2 years. We moved to an even smaller town and for the 6 years we lived there, my parents made it work. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad worked in the city, so he would stay the week in the city with his parents and come home on weekends. From the moment I was born insecurity began to work its way into me. By the time I started school, I made “friends” easily however they were always fair weather friends, friends today and not tomorrow. I was a feisty kid, a fighter if you will, I didn’t solve my problems with words I solved them with fists, my older sister knows that all too well as we fought quite a bit and my parents were constantly pulling me off of her. It did work to my sisters advantage though, I was her ” body guard” so to speak and I would threaten to beat up anyone who was mean to her. I learned early in life that any problems I had I would just have to suck it up and deal it myself. My mom at this stage was fragile and even as young as I was I knew it. So I learned to bury  my emotions, my motto was “never let them see you cry”. When my parents would spank me or discipline me I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. As a result of that when I got spanked it was usually much harder than what my sister got, she would cry before she even got her spank. I kept all my problems and feelings to myself and it was convienient to bury things away, it felt like the no longer exsisted. The turning point in my family came when we got born again, although things weren’t magically changed I just knew there was something good about it. At the age of seven a family friends teenage daughter began to sexually abuse me, having me perform sexual acts on her. I knew there was something wrong with it because it was so secretive and it didn’t feel right, but I dared not say anything to my parents lest I got In trouble for it. It wasn’t too long after this started that her family ended up moving away and the abuse stopped. Unfortunately it wouldn’t be the last time I was sexually abused. The abusers turned from female to male and it was sporadic and usually someone my family knew. I developed early, my mom bought me my first bra at the age of 9, by the time I was in grade 6 I was a small C cup and that didn’t go unnoticed. At school the boys were always trying to see if they could get a handful, they didn’t leave me alone until one day at recess they got a lot more than what they bargained for. For whatever reason that day I chose not to wear a bra, at recess they chased me around the play ground until the took me down and one of the boys put his hand up my shirt, I will never forget the look of shock that came on his face as he realized he was touching my bare skin, he quickly got off me and walked away, the others boys followed suit. For the rest of that year and for the next they didn’t touch me again. I failed my grade 7 year and had to repeat the grade, I was so embarrassed. With a new year came new classmates and new boys who once again saw me as their “play toy”. I am sad to say this kind o thing followed me to just about the end of high school. When I was 13 I was raped, he was a 21 year old chaperoning our youth group for Canada day. He took a liking to my friend and I and chatted with us the whole night. This lead him to offer my friend and I a ride back to the church once the fireworks were over. We being 13 and very flattered we were noticed by him were happy to consent to his offer, it made us feel special. As we headed to his truck I suddenly found myself to be the only one going with him, my friends cousin found us in the parking lot and took her with them. At that my heart pounded and my mind raced I didn’t want to be alone with him, I really didn’t know why, he seemed like a nice guy. I quickly assured myself all was well and got into his truck with him. After a while as we drove I began to realize he wasn’t taking me back to the church, I didn’t recognize my surrounding at all, then he pulled in to a darkened parking lot of a school, drove around back parked his truck and turned off his lights. I was in trouble, he asked me for sex to which I said no, he tried different ways of getting me to give in, all those efforts were in vain, I wasn’t interested in having sex, I just wanted to go home. He used my age and naivety against me as time past he pressured me more. Thoughts swirled in my head, time was going by and my parents would be worried about me. Finally the moment came when I realized we weren’t leaving there until he got what he came for, I couldn’t consent verbally all I could do was nod my head. He wasted no time stripping me and having his way, I lay there completely still until he was done, it only lasted minutes. Neither one of us said a word as we got ourselves pulled together and left the parking lot. Finally he asked me if I wanted a drink and stopped at McDonald’s, that’s where he swore me to secrecy. My thoughts were that I never planned to tell anyone! I was so ashamed. I got home an hour past my curfew to parents who were completely losing their mind. I was bombarded by questions of where have you been, what were you thinking, it’s an hour past your curfew. I gave them a story they believed I encouraged them to punish me with whatever punishment they saw fit, I broke the rules so give me the consequences, I just wanted to be left alone I just wanted to go to bed. I tried so hard to bury this, but this was bigger than anything that had ever been before. Every night I cried myself to sleep, I would pray and beg Gods forgiveness, I felt so dirty, I just wanted to be clean, but nothing helped. About a week later the youth pastor from our church paid me a visit, I wasn’t hard to find I was in my front yard playing with my friends like kids do. He got out of the car and called me over. He confronted me right there on the spot about what happened after the fireworks that night, he asked me flat out if I had had sex with the chaperone. I was so embarrassed that my initial response was no, but he pressed and he was not nice to me, he told me to give it up, my chaperone had already told him and there was no lying about it, of course after that I admitted to it. He told me that he would tell my dad and that I was to tell my mom and that’s what happened. While I was up in my parents room telling my mother, my dad came flying in and slapped me so hard across my face that it left welts and to add insult to injury he swore at me, I had never heard my dad ever use that word ever and he was using it on me. In that moment I was broken, reduced to a million little pieces and I accepted the blame for it all along with the weight of the guilt and shame, it crushed me. I realize now that I became my chaperones scape goat. I was no longer allowed to attend the youth group, that was the punishment that was handed down by the youth pastor, but what was shocking to me was that they allowed the chaperone to chaperone again. I don’t know what he told them and I don’t know why EVERY adult never considered the big age difference between us and how they came to the conclusion to only blame me. No ever did asked me about what happened that night, they were all in a big hurry to get it swept under the rug, they just wanted it to go away, but what about me!? What happened on the outside to me was obvious, but what took place inside was hidden, even from me, I was eventually able to bury this away, but little did I know the lasting effects that night would have on me and my future. To be continued…

I am loved and so are you!

He is everything to me, He is all that I need and all that I want, there is nothing in this life that can compare to the great love and goodness of my Father God! He saved me, He rescued me and He redeemed my life from destruction. His praise will continually be in my mouth! This poor man (woman) cried and the Lord heard him (her) and saved him (her) out of all his (her) troubles! Psalm 34:6 (KJV)

Here is a poem God put on my heart to write. It is called “Insecurity’s fight”

The battles that I face are nothing new under the sun, they are not unique but are common to everyone. When I was young insecurity knocked on my door and before I knew it, it had me on the floor. Wrapping its life sucking tentacles around me, it held me down so I could not flee. Insecurity would speak to me day in and day out, bombarding my mind with thoughts of self doubt. So convincing it was I didn’t see its deceit when it continually spoke to me of rejection and defeat. It said to me, “No matter the cost or what may come, in order to have friends under them you must succumb”. It shouted at me when I wanted to cry “suck it up” it would say and “don’t ever let them see you cry”! It advised me to bury my emotions and become numb to the ever growing loneliness that in time to me had come. It raged against me like a mighty storm, so battered and bruised I didn’t recognize my own form. Tormenting me with the day ahead, what would it bring and what would be said. “Avoid”, “avoid”, it would say “don’t argue comply, that’s the only way”! “Let them say what they want, and do what they desire, after all, why would you want to start that kind of fire”. It came to taunt me when I looked in the mirror, “what do you see”? “I see no beauty here”. “If beauty eludes, then why do you eat, those extra pounds just bring on your defeat”! “Maybe if you were skinny there might be some hope, but chances are high that you’ll try to lose but we both know you won’t”. With a good dose of guilt and a heaping portion of pain, it had reduced me to nothing and brought about a lot of my shame. So confident it was that its grip on me was tight, it jeered, it dared and it challenged me to fight! ” You are stupid and worthless, there’s nothing special about you, you are weak and you know it, that much is true. How can you win when you’re not strong enough to fight, I dare you, I challenge you to try with all your might”! It may have been right, but I will tell you where it was wrong, it did not factor in, that I didn’t have to be strong! In one moment of time, that’s all it took, for God stepped in and everything shook! I reached out for God and He reached out for me, my daughter He said you are now free! And although it is over there is still work to be done, each and every tentacle must be removed until there are none. In doing this I will not be alone, For my God is ever with me and He calls me His own.