Today’s journal entry is for day four. I remember day 4 very well because our son Tyler broke his wrist on day 3 of this challenge and the break was so bad that they could not repair it without surgery so they sent us home only to come back to the hospital the next morning for 8:30. We spent 12 hours at the hospital on day four waiting for him to get his surgery, he ended up being the last surgery of the day that was at 6:00 pm, by the time the surgery was over and he had recovered from the anesthetic enough to go home it was well after 8:00 pm. 2014 was an eventful year for my family, Tyler wasn’t the only one to break his wrist, one month prior to Tyler’s break, my middle son Christian broke his wrist in a skateboarding competition, and five months after that he broke it again skateboarding, but the second break was severe as it was a compound fracture with both bones coming through the skin… I’ll take it easy on the queasy stomachs out there and not give you anymore of the gory details. Stress , too much of it is an awful thing, that was my 2014, it challenged me to be a doer of the Word and not just a forgetful hearer. I had to cast my care continually, but I am more the better for it today. So now here is what you have been waiting for journal entry day 4 of the no makeup challenge.
February 28, 2014
Day 4 of what I am going to call the ” no make up challenge” to be honest so far I haven’t been a big fan of going without make up, but I know there is more to this than that. We were at the hospital again today with Tyler, he had to have surgery on his wrist to repair it. When we got to the waiting room area there were 3 other couples there, guess what I did the minute I walked in to that room? Some might not guess correctly others of you may know right off the bat, either way I am going to share it with you. I looked at all three women and began to compare myself with them, I came in assessing my completion so to speak. This was eye opening as I had not really ever noticed myself be so comparative, my thoughts were as follows “well out of all 4 women in this room I am the second smallest weight wise” one woman was petite and dressed stylishly which my attention was drawn to her immediately as what I can only conclude as she was my biggest threat, ridiculous I know, but before this I really had no idea this is what I did. I believe that simply by removing the make up has made me more self conscious and my desire to get everything out of this experience that God wants for me, has heightened awareness of myself and my actions whether openly or privately. This speaks volumes to me, now to unravel it and make sense of it all, not on my own but through prayer and in the light of Gods word and with His wisdom other wise I will gain nothing because apart from God I am nothing and I can do nothing. I wasn’t as uncomfortable without make up today as I was yesterday, but I still was well aware of my naked face especially in certain instances.
Here it is, Day 3 and I just read over my journal entry, It has made me think, am I any different today than I was 2 years ago!? I’m happy to say that I can see the difference in me since then, however reading over this journal entry I still remember how it felt. I know I am a work in progress, thank God He doesn’t leave us where we’re at. So without further Delay here is day 3.
February 26, 2014
Well today was day 3 of no make up. It was a full day, our son Tyler broke his wrist and we spent most of our day at the hospital. I felt ok this morning leaving the house without make up on, I went to the ladies prayer group and was fine until I went to the washroom and was reminded that I was wearing no make up, immediately I felt ugly and a bit self conscious, my hair did not look as nice as I had hoped it would and I felt bad. When I was at the hospital I didn’t think too much about the fact that I wasn’t wearing any make up, until I went to the bathroom and caught a glimpse of my naked face. Again I felt ugly, I began to think about why I am doing this no make up “challenge” so I knew I needed to dig deeper than just being disgusted with the way I look without make up,( wow, that says a lot there, that word disgusted is how I felt) I really feel like there is nothing special about me, that I can get lost in the crowd, that I am invisible. That makes me feel insecure. Funny if you think about it though, how can make up make such a difference, how does it make me stand out or feel special? I don’t know and I’m not able to answer that just yet, but God is faithful, His word says if you seek me you will find me and he also said ask for wisdom and he will give it to you, no questions asked. I know I will come to know and understand what I need to find out of this whole “challenge” right now it’s enough to just know that I don’t think too much of myself and that’s not what God wants for me and frankly I don’t want it either, I’ve been feeling this way for far too long and I’m done! I don’t want to be a prisoner to anything, even if that anything is wearing make up.
Sorry you guys, I don’t have a journal entry for the second day ( February 25, 2014) of my no makeup challenge , I’m not sure why, either I didn’t write one or it got erased. I do want to share somethings with you today though, something that God spoke to me a little while back. I was reminded of it this week and I feel like it fits this series well. He said to me “Lisa, do you want a temporary solution for a permanent problem or do you want a permanent solution for a temporary problem”? This Is Something that is good for me to ponder. When you think about it, It’s much easier to think we would be inclined to take the permanent solution, but it’s always a whole other matter when we are faced with doing it and may I just venture out a bit and say, it’s much easier sometimes to keep doing what we are doing than to go through the pain of change… Hmmmmm.
I have come to love and appreciate God challenging me, He stretches me beyond what I am comfortable with, but it is all worth it in the end. I have a short 10 day series I want to share with you all about a time in my life that God began to mess with my comfort zone. It was two years ago that God gave me a challenge, one that I would not soon forget. He challenged me to go without makeup for 10 days, for some of you that would be an easy task and for some even easier still because you don’t wear makeup, but this wasn’t about “wearing makeup” at all, something much deeper was involved. I journaled my thoughts and feelings over the 10 days I went without makeup and I’m going to share it with you day by day ( I will not alter or change any of what I wrote it will be as it was written, grammar errors and all). So let’s begin shall we…
February 24, 2014
For the next 10 days I am going to go without wearing make up. Why, you might ask? Because I want to be healed, emotionally healed, so what does wearing make up have to do with emotional healing? Well, for me it is part of my journey. I grew up thinking and feeling ugly, make up just helped to mask or cover what I truly believed about myself. I put confidence in make up, to make me look and feel better. Over the years I would allow myself to go without make up for certain things, if I were just going to be around the house or maybe go to the grocery store I could handle not wearing make up for a short time. Recently God has challenged me in this area, and I have to admit the thought of not wearing make up for 10 days was almost overwhelming. Being at home or even venturing to the grocery store with no make up on, well I can do that, but going to church or out with friends, or to a family function that is not easy for me. Emotionally it leaves me vulnerable, feeling exposed, these are not the feelings I want to feel! Clearly no one wants to feel threatened in any way. Why would not wearing make up leave me vulnerable? Make up to me is security, wearing make up gives a boost to the little bit of confidence that I have and now it’s gone, so where does my confidence lie and do I have confidence and where should confidence be found? I see this as God’s way of exposing my true feelings so that I will/can let him in and heal me, I believe this opens the door for me to have intimacy with God. I don’t know much right now but I do know this by the end of these 10 days I will know and understand far more about me and intimacy than I have ever known. I want this and I also know I need this or I will not be able have the relationship with God that I truly desire to have. I will be journalling my thoughts and feelings over these next 9 days. My prayer is to get everything that God has intended for me to get (knowledge,understanding, His wisdom) I want what Jesus paid for me to have, I have freedom in Christ. I do not want to be bound by anything that Jesus set me free from, including, insecurity, self doubt and internal hatred, that is not what God intended for me to have. Today I did feel insecure as I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in over 11years, I did feel self conscious, I noticed that I felt like looking in the mirror constantly to see what I looked like to them, I felt not good inside. Physically I have been sick with a cold, but not wearing make up I was exposed for sure. I don’t like to let acquaintances see me without make, my family sure, some of my friends ok, but people I don’t know well, that is uncomfortable for me.