Monthly Archives: September 2015

I will never forget you!

I didn’t think I was going to share this, not on here anyway, but it was on my heart to do so, so here it is. September 5th 1995, it was the first day of school and I was the teacher at a private school. I woke up spotting that morning, I’m not sure why but I didn’t panic I just thought it was normal, sort of . It was my first pregnancy and to be truthful I wasn’t feeling ready to be having a baby, my husband and I had conceived on our honeymoon. It took me a couple of weeks, but I had finally come to terms with being pregnant and I embraced it. As the morning wore on I began to bleed and I started to realize something was wrong, but I wouldn’t ¬†allow myself to think I was having a miscarriage. My contractions started before lunch and it was everything I could do to keep it together. I spent that lunch hour alone in my classroom folded in half rocking back and forth trying so hard to get through the pain, it was the worst pain I had ever had in my entire life. I don’t even know how I did it, it could have only been by Gods grace that I was able to get up and go to the washroom. It doesn’t matter who you are or if you’re expecting it or not, you are not prepared for the moment it happens, you can’t even plan it. No matter how obvious it was that I was miscarrying I was in no way ready for the emotional pain that would wash over me when it was undeniable that I had lost our little one. Anguish, guilt, confusion, my heart tearing as I began to sob and shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t bring myself to flush the toilet, that was my baby in there, I went out of the washroom and grabbed one of the other teachers, I m so glad that she was able to be strong as I brought her into the washroom, she quickly did what I couldn’t she flushed the toilet and told me to go see my doctor. Even though it has been 20 years since that day I still feel the loss, but God has healed my pain. I know our little one is in heaven and is in good hands, till we meet again little one know that mommy loves you.

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“Give the man what he wants”

Give the man what he wants!?

Early in my marriage I began to realize that being married wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. I blamed my husband for my unhappiness and for all of our problems. From the time I met him he was always a hard worker, a trait I do love about him, however back then he was a workaholic and was hardly ever home. When he was home he would take care of the big and small projects around the house leaving me feeling lonely and neglected. In those years I was alone a lot, making me feeling like a single mother. I dealt with feelings of wanting to leave, I had thoughts about packing a suitcase and leaving it under the bed or in the closet so I could make a quick escape. I felt miserable and I longed to be “loved” the way I thought I should be. I saw everything he didn’t do, and nothing that he was doing right. As I mentioned in a previous blog we did go to marriage counselling and it helped. It was a big step in the right direction, but it wasn’t the end all be all, we (I) still struggled. A serious fight we had one night set me on the right course for change. Before I get to telling you what happened that night I would like to say that the best place to solve our problems is “on our knees” in prayer. I was so desperate for a happy life that I prayed to God to help me be the wife and the mother he created me to be, even though I blamed my husband for my unhappiness I opened myself to God to teach me. Now back to that big fight. The day started out like any other, my husband and I were not fighting, all that was there was that underlying unhappiness that most days I kept to myself. Later that afternoon my little sister and I went to the mall to do some shopping. My husband usually got home from work at around 5, and it wasn’t until 5:30 that I got home, but when I pulled into the driveway I noticed that My husbands car wasn’t there. It caught me at first but then I shrugged it off thinking he was probably just a bit late coming home from work, no big deal. When I got inside I saw evidence of him having been home, things were moved around in the kitchen and a glass of coke was in the fridge with maybe one sip out of it. I was a bit puzzled by the scene and I wondered where he was and what had happened for him to leave so abruptly without even leaving me a note. I wasn’t too worried, I would just page him on his work pager ( this was back in the day before cell phones were popular, I’ll try not to age myself any further) I paged him fully expecting a call back, but there was none. After he failed to show up for dinner and I hadn’t heard back from him I began to get worried, I didn’t know what had happened to him, I continued to page him with no response. Hours went by and finally at about midnight I had had enough I went up to my room to pray, at that point I was scared something bad had happened to him. About 5 minutes after I started to pray I heard the front door open, relief washed over me. I went running down the stairs to see what had happened and where he had been. When I saw him and the state that he was in I knew that he was drunk. I was so angry at him, I was furious at the fact that he left me there worrying about him for hours and all this time he was out getting drunk. I just want to note here that my husband has only been drunk a handful of times since we’ve been married, it’s out of character for him, that’s why it made this fight even worse. I’m sure you can guess my reaction to all of this, I lost it on him, and if the situation wasn’t bad enough he proceeded to lie to me (saying he didn’t get any of my pages) and he blamed the whole situation on me as if it were my fault. I finally had enough I don’t fully remember what I said to him but I swore at him ( something I didn’t do and said I would never do) it didn’t even faze me the first time. We continued to yell at each other trying to convince the other of their responsibility for what transpired that night. ( I thought he was crazy!) and then for the second time I swore at him, this time I heard it loud and clear and I realized I was out of control. It had shaken me enough to know I needed to get out of there and away from him, it was clear nothing was going to get solved. I headed toward the front door and he knew where I was planning on going, so he chased behind me to try and keep me in the house. He couldn’t keep me there, I did everything I could to make him let me go, and he did for fear of disturbing our neighbours. I ran out of the house in bare feet. I was feeling so hurt, angry, and frustrated. Right away I began an inner dialogue with God. I needed some clarity and someone to feel as sorry for me as I did. Walking silently along the sidewalk God spoke to my heart, He told me to apologize to my husband. I stopped in my tracks. Did I really hear that right!? Without a thought I retorted back “WHAT! you want me to apologize to him!? Didn’t you just see what he did to me? he should be apologizing to me”! I was so surprised I thought for sure God would have been on ” my side”. Little did I realize it at that moment but God was on my side, (and He was also on my husbands side). God then began to open my eyes to the situation, He asked me if I had done anything wrong, I knew I had, not only to my husband but to God as well. I confessed to God that I had done wrong (I’m so thankful for 1 John 1:9) and I just listened to what God had to say, He told me that by apologizing to my husband I was in no way making what he did ok, by apologizing I was getting myself right and putting my husband where he needed to be in God’s capable hands. He showed me that I was only responsible for me and my actions and that what mattered was that my heart was right with Him. What a wise God, He was right, but that didn’t make it any easier and the thought of apologizing to My husband made me sick to my stomach ( the flesh doesn’t like to be put under). When I got home the whole house was in darkness, and my husband was in bed “sleeping”. I went upstairs and had all the intentions of apologizing to him, but when got into the room that sick feeling came back so I went to the bathroom and prayed for God to help me, I sincerely wanted to do the right thing. After several minutes of praying I got the courage to go out and apologize to him. I went out and told my husband I was sorry for swearing at him, I kissed him and said good night, I marvelled at the work that God had done in my heart, this fight was over for me and it even surprised me that I didn’t care if he apologized to me or not… That is Gods grace! The next day was like nothing ever happened and it was a great feeling. When my husband came home at his usual time he came in and out of the norm he apologized to me. I smiled at God and just held it in my heart and tried not to jump out of my skin it was so exciting. I am blessed to have learned something new that night, something invaluable that will stay with me forever. With that and at the risk of this blog being too long I am going to end it here, but this isn’t the end, I would still like to share more of my story with you about how God changed our marriage for the better. Thanks for reading, till next time…